(The funky-anime-backgrounds pocket dimension. Elizabeth is looking over some papers when Xelloss appears.)

XELLOSS: Greetings.

ELIZABETH: (setting aside the papers) Ah, Xelloss! Wonderful.

XELLOSS: For what reason did you ask me here?

ELIZABETH: I thought you might want to be a part of Mission: Make Zel-kun Blush as Often as Possible.

XELLOSS: (smirks) Indeed I would.

ELIZABETH: (hands the papers to Xelloss) Here, read this. I'll be using it to torment Zel-kun.

XELLOSS: (scans the papers, quirks a brow) You have quite the twisted sense of humour, ne?

ELIZABETH: I try.

XELLOSS: Whereever did you get the idea?

ELIZABETH: Er...from a jar of pickles, actually. Now, just a few more things...

(She disappears into a purplish background, then reemerges from a blue background, holding a shoebox, a rolled-up poster-like object, and a notepad and pen. She sets the shoebox and poster-thing near the Obscenely Large Monitor.)

XELLOSS: Are those...?

ELIZABETH: But of course.

(They share frighteningly similar evil grins.)

ELIZABETH: Now...

(Lina and Zel appear, still lying on their respective berolls.)

XELLOSS: May I?

ELIZABETH: By all means, have at.

(Xelloss bends over Lina and kisses her deeply. Her eyes fly open and she screeches, then proceeds to beat him into the non-existant ground. This noise wakes up Zel, who looks around him.)

ZEL: Oh, no, not—

ELIZABETH: Hiya, Zel-kun! Didja miss me?

ZEL: Oh, gods, why me?

LINA: (pausing her Xelloss-beating) What's wrong, Zel?

(He motions at the grinning Trickster Priestess.)

LINA: Oh. (abadons the Xelloss-bashing and walks over to Zel)

ELIZABETH: Why Zel-kun, the way you're acting, I'd almost think you weren't happy to see me.

ZEL: I'm most definitely not happy to see you! (winces as he realises that maybe that wasn't the world's brightest thing to say at this point)

LINA: (confirming Zel's suspcion) Great, Zel, you picked a helluva time to pull a Gourry.

ZEL: (blushing slightly) Gomen, Lina.

(Xelloss recovers and rejoins the little others.)

ELIZABETH: (pulls out the notepad and writes a tally mark) One.

LINA: One what?

ELIZABETH & XELLOSS: Oh, nothing important.

ZEL: Oh gods, tricksters in stereo.

ELIZABETH: That sounds like the name of a high-school garage band. Have we been insulted?

XELLOSS: I think we just may have.

(Zel and Lina share apprehensive looks.)

ELIZABETH: Then it's only fair that we seek some sort of retribution.

XELLOSS: Yes, only fair.

LINA: Retribution?

XELLOSS: Don't fret, Lina-chan; Elizabeth's annoyed at Zel, not you.

(Zel drops his head into his hand.)

ELIZABETH: (smiles at Lina) Right, I'm not at all mad at you.

LINA: (sotto voce) That makes one of us.

ELIZABETH: (unfazed) Zel-kun, on the other hand...well, I think I should thank you properly for the unkind way you've treated Xelloss and me this evening.

ZEL: (mutters to himself) Hell. I am in hell.

ELIZABETH: If you'd do the honours, Xelloss...?

XELLOSS: But of course.

(Xelloss walks over to the keyboard, types something, and another of Elizabeth's painfully mediocre stories appears on the Obscenely Large Monitor.)

> Pickles
> by Elizabeth, Trickster Priestess

ZEL: I can't believe you admit to writing this stuff.

(Elizabeth shrugs.)

> Warning: this is rather citrus-like. Do not read if you're
> too young, or are easily offended.
>
>
> ----------------------------------------------------

ZEL: In that case—

ELIZABETH: Forget it, Zel-kun. You don't have a choice.

LINA: Citrus-like? What's that?

XELLOSS: I'll explain it to you in depth later, Lina-chan.

ZEL: Like HELL you will!!

ELIZABETH: A-HEM! Retournons-nous à nos moutons.

MINNA (sans Elizabeth): Pardon?

ELIZABETH: It's a french saying. Literally translated, it means "let's get back to our sheep." In use, it means "let's return to the business at hand."

MINNA (sans Elizabeth): .....

> Lina, Gourry, and Amelia were in a feeding frenzy and
> Zelgadiss was sipping a hot beverage. Basically, it was
> an average dinner.

LINA: Are you insulting my eating habits?

ELIZABETH: No, just trying to portray them as accuratly as possible.

LINA:...oh.

> At least, that was what Zel had thought, until Lina suddenly
> slowed her pace. He looked at her curiously as she spotted a
> large glass jar and grabbed it, just as Gourry was reaching for
> it.

ZEL: A glass jar? What—?

XELLOSS: You'll see soon enough.

(Zel growls.)

> "These are MINE!" Lina informed the swordsman with a look
> that says "try to take it and I'll feed you your spleen."

XELLOSS: That's my Lina-chan. She won't accept—

(Xelloss is cut of as Lina thwacks him upside the head.)

LINA: I'm not yours!!

> Gourry blinked, then chose something else and continued
> devouring his dinner.

LINA: Gourry, catching a clue?

ZEL: Isn't that out-of-character?

ELIZABETH: Nah, it wasn't intelligence, just basic survival instincts.

ZEL: I repeat, isn't that out-of-character?

ELIZABETH: (considers all the times Gourry's said something to Lina that could've gotten him killed) Point taken.

> "What is that?" Zel asked her before she could go back into
> eating mode.

LINA: "Eating mode"?

ELIZABETH:...okay, so it's a stupid phrase.

> "Pickles!" Lina replied gleefully. "I love pickles!"

LINA: Actually, I do really like pickles.

XELLOSS: Do you really, Lina-chan? Well, in that case, I—

ELIZABETH: Save it for after the story, Xelloss.

XELLOSS: (pouts) Spoilsport.

> 'What so special about cucumbers soaked in brine?'

ZEL: "What so special"? I speak ebonics now?

ELIZABETH: (sweatdrops) It's a typo. No one's perfect. (sees Zel's expression) Don't even say it.

> Zel wanted
> to ask, but didn't. He had no desire to be fed any of his
> internal organs.

ELIZABETH: (sighs) Lina is just so...so...amazing! Ne?

(Xelloss and Zel both nod enthusiastically. Lina blinks rapidly, then blushes a bit.)

> The jar was large by normal standards, but by Lina standards
> it was nothing. Zel estimated it would take approximately
> twenty seconds for Lina to finish off the entire jarful.

ZEL: I sense a "however" coming on.

> Having finished his coffee, Zel turned to watch Lina eat in
> order to pass the time.

LINA: Oh, please, like Zel would really do that.

ZEL:.....(blushes)

ELIZABETH: (smirks) You were saying...? (pulls out the notepad, writes another tally mark) Two...

> He was more than a little startled
> when he saw Lina simply contemplating a rather large pickle
> she held in her bare hand.

ZEL: Lina? Eating slowly?

ELIZABETH: (deadpan) It's the end of the world as we know it.

(A super-deformed version of R.E.M. appears.)

SD R.E.M.: (singing) It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fiiiiiiine...

(SD R.E.M. vanishes. Everyone blinks in tandem.)

ELIZABETH: O-kay, moving on...

> Lina noticed Zel staring and asked, "What?"

XELLOSS: Actually, he's—

ELIZABETH: Shh! Don't spoil it!

> "I'm just surprised that you're not eating, since you say
> you love those things so much."
>
> Lina sniffed. "You can't just eat a pickle, Zel. There's a
> certain way you go about it."

ELIZABETH: And people really do eat pickles the way she'll describe, so I don't want to hear anything about that being implausible.

> "Oh?" Zel's lips quirked with amusement. "And what is this
> 'certain way'?"
>
> "Just watch; I'll show you."
>
> This should be amusing. "All right."

(Elizabeth and Xelloss trade covert smirks: 'this will be amusing.')

> Lina grinned and turned her attention back to the pickle in
> her hand.
>
> "First," Lina said, still looking at the pickle, "you have to
> lick all the extra brine off."

LINA: Yeah, that's true. Otherwise things get all messy.

XELLOSS: Funny you should say "messy"...

LINA: Why's that?

ELIZABETH: Wait and see. You can have Zel-kun explain it.

(Zel gets a very very bad feeling.)

> Lina proceeded to lick the pickle, her small pink tongue a
> stark contrast to the green.
>
> Zel swallowed hard.

(Zel, too, swallows hard, getting an inkling of where this is going.)

> Amusing is not the word for this, he
> thought. He glanced over at the other occupants of the table;
> they were still engrossed in their food.

XELLOSS: A lucky thing for Zel-kun, ne?

ELIZABETH: He should just be grateful he wears that cloak...

> "There." Lina licked her lips, "Next, you take a small bite
> off the top--" Lina did just that "--and you suck out the juice."
>
> Zel stiffened

ELIZABETH: Take that however you want to...

> as Lina happily drained the pickle. Despite the
> noise Gourry and Amelia were making, he could still hear the soft
> sucking noises Lina made, the occasional "yum" or "mmm." He
> tried very very hard not to picture her doing that same thing,
> though not with a pickle, and failed miserably.

(Zel is blushing a startlingly bright red. Elizabeth pulls out the notepad and marks another tally.)

ELIZABETH: Three...

LINA: (looking at Zel with a mix of curiosity and concern) What's wrong, Zel? What's so embarassing about pickles?

(Zel just shakes his head.)

XELLOSS: (mutters, to Elizabeth) He'd better be blushing with embarassment...

> Lina pulled the now slightly limp pickle from her mouth.
> "Then--"
>
> Zel stood suddenly. "I have to go. Now," he said quickly,
> then dashed off.

(Elizabeth and Xelloss stare at Zel, smirking. He looks the floor, still incredibly red. Lina continues to look confused.)

> Lina watched him go with confusion, as did the
> swordsman and the princess when they noticed Zel retreating
> towards his room.

ELIZABETH: Which is significant...(winks at Zel)

(Zel emits what sounds suspiciously like a whimper of dispair and studies his boots.)

> "What got into him?" Lina wondered aloud.

ELIZABETH: Well—

ZEL: DON'T SAY IT!!!

ELIZABETH: (mildly) Fine.

> She looked at her
> companions, who merely shrugged and returned to their meals.
> After a moment, Lina shrugged also, and went back to her pickles.
>
> -end-

LINA: (blinks) I don't get it. (looks at the still-blushing Zel) And what's with you?

ELIZABETH: Tsk, tsk, Zel-kun's having impure thoughts.

ZEL: (glares) I am not—

ELIZABETH: Then why are you blushing?

ZEL: Because you...because she...because...(trails off)

ELIZABETH: That's what I thought.

XELLOSS: (in a scarily sweet tone) You are blushing from embarassment, ne, Zel-kun, and not something else?

ZEL: (quickly) Of course!

(Xelloss frowns.)

ELIZABETH: (smirks) Suuuure, Zel-kun, whatever you say.

LINA: (getting pissed) I want to know what you three are talking about!

MINNA (sans Lina): Nothing!

LINA: "Nothing" my ass!

ELIZABETH: I'll explain it when you're older.

XELLOSS: (smiles sensuously at Lina) Or, if you'd prefer, I could explain it now.

LINA: Yeah, I—

ZEL: Not on your life, you hentai mazoku!

LINA: (blinks) Hentai?

XELLOSS: (scowls) We'll see about that.

ELIZABETH: ENOUGH!!

(Everyone looks at her with varying degrees of hostility.)

ELIZABETH: You three cut it out or I'll stick you (points at Zel) in a small, locked room with Amelia, you (points at Xelloss) in a sensory deprivation chamber, and you (points at Lina) in an airplane, where even you couldn't eat the food. Understand??

MINNA (sans Elizabeth): Yes.

ELIZABETH: (takes a deep breath) Ah, I feel better. Bully for me.

ZEL: (mutters) "Bully" is right.

ELIZABETH: Oh, Lina-chan, I meant to ask...

LINA: "Lina-chan"? Uh-oh...

ELIZABETH: Did Zel-kun continue his stripping act when I sent you two back?

LINA: Er....(blushes)

ZEL:....(blushes brightly)

(Xelloss glares at Zel.)

ELIZABETH: (marks another tally) Four.

XELLOSS: (dangerously) Just what did you do, Zelgadiss Greywords?

(Zel mumbles something.)

ELIZABETH: Come again?...oops, bad word choice.

ZEL: HENTAI!

ELIZABETH: Yes I am. Now answer the question.

ZEL: I...(blushs big-time) don't really remember all that well...

ELIZABETH: (marks yet another tally) Five.

XELLOSS: You better not have touched my Lina-chan...

ELIZABETH: Lina, what did happen?

LINA: Um...(blushes to match her eyes) Zel sorta... took off, um, his pants...

(Xelloss, livid, attempts to attack Zel. Elizabeth whispers something to him first, and he calms down a little. Zel is apparently trying to see how many different shades of red stone can blush.)

ELIZABETH: After he took off his pants, what happened?

LINA: He passed out.

(Zel breathes a sigh of relief. Xelloss loses the murderous look he'd been sporting—well, mostly loses it.)

ELIZABETH: (sighs) Pity I missed it. Well, at least I have...(grabs the poster-thing and unrolls it, revealing it to be a poster-sized picture of a shirtless Zel) THIS!!

ZEL: (still blushing) Gaaah!

LINA:.....(blushes)

XELLOSS: Humph.

ELIZABETH: (sighs happily) Lovely, isn't it? And I made plenty of wallet-sized copies to give to all my Zelophile friends.

ZEL: Why do you hate me so much?

ELIZABETH: Hate you? I don't hate you. In fact, I adore you. Not as much as I adore Lina-chan, but...

XELLOSS: (pouts) What about me?

ELIZABETH: Oh, I adore you, too, and you know it.

ZEL: If you don't hate me, then why do you torment me?

XELLOSS: Why, to show you she likes you, of course.

(Elizabeth nods.)

ZEL: How very...mazoku-like.

ELIZABETH: Mazoku-like? Pshaw, mazoku don't always torment the object of their affections, ne, Xelloss?

XELLOSS: Very true. (grins wickedly, eyeing Lina, who is pointedly not looking at either the poster of Zel or the Chimera himself)

ELIZABETH: In fact...(glances at Xelloss and nods slightly)

(Xelloss' grin widens, and he glomps Lina, managing to give her another rather passionate kiss before she punches him a good distance away.)

ELIZABETH:...they also tend to be affectionate, ne?

XELLOSS: (in a heap some distance away) Whenever possible.

(Elizabeth notices Zel glaring at Xelloss.)

ELIZABETH: Aw, poor Zel-kun, you jealous? You want a turn, too?

(Zel splutters. Xelloss makes a miraculous recovery and rejoins the group, looking sourly at both Zel and Elizabeth. Lina is...blushing.)

ELIZABETH: Whaddya say, Lina? Fair's fair, ne?

LINA: .....

ELIZABETH: Great! I'll take that as a "yes."

(She none-too-gently pushes Lina toward Zel. Lina is unable to stop and runs into him.)

ELIZABETH: Well? C'mon.

XELLOSS: (scowling rather frighteningly) What do you think you are doing?

ELIZABETH: Must you ask? (to Lina and Zel) Well, let's go, you two!

(Lina and Zel just stare at each other, blushing [what else?].)

ELIZABETH: (marks yet another tally) Six. Tell you what: you share a proper kiss—that means on the lips, you two—then I'll send you back.

LINA: Um....

ZEL: Er....

ELIZABETH: If you don't, I'll keep you two here...

ZEL: (to Lina) It seems we don't have much choice.

LINA: (sighs, to Zel) I guess not.

(Rather shyly, he bends down. Their lips touch and...they vanish.)

ELIZABETH: (marks a another tally) I think I can safely say that will be blush number seven. (notices Xelloss glaring at her) Oh, come on, surely that didn't surprise you?

XELLOSS: I didn't surprise me, it dissapointed me. Amoungst other things.

ELIZABETH: (rolls eyes) Anyway, much as I wanted to see those two kiss, I did it so they'd have to explain just what they were doing to their friends. (smirks) Amelia's gonna have a heart attack.

XELLOSS: Indeed, that may be rather amusing. I think I'll go witness it.

ELIZABETH: And make sure nothing waffy happens, ne?

(Xelloss nods, then vanishes. Elizabeth retrieves the shoebox she'd set beside the Obscenely Large Monitor. Unsurprisingly, it's filled with wallet-sized photos of shirtless Zel. There's also a minature notebook. Elizabeth flips through it: it is filled with names of Zelophiles.)

ELIZABETH: Now, let the distribution begin! After all, I'll have to top seven blushes next time Zel-kun comes over to play...

 

–end...for the moment, at least–

~_~