Torn
by Elizabeth, Trickster Priestess
Natalie Imbruglia's song "Torn" is on her album Left of the Middle.

Song lyrics are in grey.

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry

He's not Rezo-sama.

I thought he could be. I tried to make it so, gods know I tried.

But it's not him.

Oh, Rezo-sama...how I miss him. Miss the time we'd spend together, searching dusty tomes of magic, or travelling the lands as he performed miracle after miracle. It wasn't until...the end...that he begrudged those whose sight he restored. He was a great man.

And he's gone.

I remember a time, what seems a lifetime ago, when I got word that my parents had been killed in a fire. I was determined not to cry and appear weak before Rezo-sama.

But he gently, oh so gently, embraced me and whispered, "There is no shame in weeping, nor any weakness in mourning."

And I cried, and he held me.

There is no one to hold me now.

Well you couldn't be that man that I adored
You don't seem to know or seem to care
What your heart is for

It's not him.

I hate him at times, this Kopii Rezo, who is so unlike my beloved Rezo-sama. He is all but emotionless, save when we plan to repay Lina Inverse for what she did.

I was shocked when I realised the kopii was imperfect. I got an inkling when I embraced the not-entirely-complete kopii and he just gave me a cool glance. He didn't even deign to say anything.

I then tried to use my control over him as a kopii, to make him be Rezo-sama. It was an effort doomed from the start, and part of me knew that, I suppose, but still I tried. Still I continue to try.

I don't know him anymore
There's nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry

This pulsing cocoon in which he rests, replinishing himself, is so different from Rezo-sama's spartan yet warm room. Not that I ever saw his room at great length—not for lack of trying—but I caught glimpses.

Glimpses. That's what's the worst, I think. When I catch a glimpse of Rezo-sama in this flawed kopii.

I spoke with the kopii a great deal in the beginning, first to see if he could possibly be Rezo-sama, then to discern what went awry. I don't bother now. For one thing, I'm not sure what to say to him. We both know he is not Rezo-sama. For another, it's painful to hear Rezo-sama's voice speaking so uncaringly to me.

That's what's goin' on
Nothing's fine
I'm torn

I live for revenge.

Not entirely, I suppose, as I still have a secret hope that once I get Rezo-sama's legacy, I can fix the flawed kopii, or perhaps make a new, more perfect kopii.

I am becoming a different person from the one who followed Rezo-sama. I have changed my appearance to reflect that. I look harsh and perhaps even evil, and that suits me just fine.

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I'm ashamed
Lying naked on the floor

I lie in my chambers, curled up on floor in a fetal postion, nude. I could not bear to wear those clothes, that dress that is—was—so unlike me for another moment.

What am I doing? What would Rezo-sama think, if he knew I have devoted my life to killing a girl? Almost a child, really. Would he applaud me for seeking retribution? Or would be be ashamed of me?

Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see
The perfect sky is torn

It's not him.

We are preparing to draw Lina Inverse to us now. I will put a price on her head, and on her companion's. I have hired a mercenary, Zangulus. I have created a small army of kopii Vrumugun.

Kopii Rezo is pleased with my plans to bring the sorceress here. I know, somehow, that Rezo-sama would not be.

But what am I to do? Even if I did not kill Lina Inverse, I must have the Hikari no Ken to open the seal to Rezo-sama's lab. What else can I do? What else is left?

You're a little late
I'm already torn

Perhaps I should try to get word to Zelgadiss. He may wish to assist me. I haven't seen him since Rezo-sama left to search for the Philosopher's Stone, but when I saw him before, when Rezo-sama would visit his family, he was always a bright if driven young man. He should be quite powerful now, since he has the Chimeric body Rezo-sama and I designed for him. Maybe...

No, I don't suppose I should get him involved. What could he do to help anyway?

So I guess the fortune teller's right
I should have seen just what was there
And not some holy light

Damned fortune tellers. What do they know? I can't believe I actually went seeking the device of one of those frauds.

"The course you are on can only lead to sorrow and death." The sorrow and death of Lina Inverse, maybe.

"He is not what you wish him to be. Do not be blinded by what you want to see." Well... perhaps there is some merit in that advice. The kopii is not Rezo-sama. Not now. But after we find Rezo-sama's legacy...then, then perhaps I can make him Rezo-sama.

But you crawled beneath my veins and now
I don't care, I have no luck
I don't miss it all that much

I am a different person. A year ago I would never have thought of awakening a demon to kill one young girl. Now? Now it seems to be a wonderful idea.

I don't miss the person I was, really. That person could not exist without Rezo-sama, and since he's been taken from me...this harsh vengence-seeker is what I am now.

There's just so many things
That I can't touch

I can't believe it! Zelgadiss has betrayed us, Rezo-sama and I. He fights with the Killer and her idiot friends. Ungrateful wretch, he had the gall to hate me for creating his new form. Isn't that what he wanted, after all? To be strong?

I am strong now, too, Zelgadiss. I don't need your help, and your betrayal is nothing in the long run. You will lead Lina Inverse to Rezo-sama's lab, of that I have no doubt. It seems you will aid me in the end, after all....

I'm torn
There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry

Damn it, the Killer has reached Rezo-sama's laboratory before we!

The kopii, cold as always, points out that they are simply doing our work for us.

I calm down. Yes, they will never be able to navigate the labyrinth; Zelgadiss does not know the layout, and they will be forced to wander.

That's what's goin' on
Nothing's right
I'm torn

The kopii and I reach the transit room before the Killer and her friends. I cannot help but laugh at their expressions as they enter the room.

I activate the magical crystals and scatter my enemies throughout the labyrinth. The mercenary follows. No matter, he is superfulous now.

I get a sense of déjà vu as we navigate the coridoors; Rezo-sama and I did this so many times before...

A brief glimmer of hope rises in me as Kopii Rezo dispells the gaurdian mazoku Rezo-sama summoned to protect his laboratory a lifetime ago.

Hope dies as I see that the kopii is still flawed, still icy and impersonal, and still not Rezo-sama.

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel

We have arrived. I am a little startled that Inverse and her companions reached the true laboratory before we, but it's not important.

Foolish little girl, she is taken totally by surprise as I snatch the manuscript of the Clair Bible from her. I hold Rezo-sama's legacy now, and I will carry out his revenge!

I will give her credit for figuring things out. I cannot use my gems of control on her because of her headband. She manages to deal me a blow. Impressive, but not enough. I take control of the simpleton swordsman and he occupies her while I see to resurrecting the Demon Beast.

There is an explosion of light. I laugh. Now, now Zanaffar will come forth and avenge Rezo-sama!

I'm cold and I'm ashamed
Bound and broken on the floor

He attacked me! The kopii, who wears the face of my beloved Rezo-sama, has dealt me what must surely be a death blow.

"No...why...?" Even as I ask, I know the answer: because this kopii isn't, never was my Rezo-sama.

I fall. I can't seem to concentrate enough to cast levitation or even to move to break my fall.

I am on the floor, though I can't remember landing. The stone is surprisingly warm. Perhaps that has something to do with the horror I helped release. Perhaps I am simply cold.

What have I done? I cough, and the sickly-sweet taste of blood fills my mouth. Oh, please, Rezo-sama, wherever you may be, forgive me...

Illusion never changed
Into something real

I am dying. I am surrounded with my own blood. Odd, I worked with the bodies of countless creatures, humans inclusive, yet I never realised just how much blood is in a single human being.

The ground seems to get warmer, or else I'm getting colder. I wish I had enough energy to shiver.

"In the end, just a kopii..." Am I speaking aloud? I must be; the Killer calls my name, her tone actually worried. This is wrong, all wrong. "No matter how hard I tried...it wasn't the real Rezo-sama..."

I'm wide awake and I can see
The perfect sky is torn

Inverse and her companions are trying to reach me, to help me, but the kopii won't let them.

In the end, it was the little girl I hated so who tried to help me, after my mistake, my obsession, my kopii, struck me down? I would laugh at the irony if I could breathe.

"Rezo-sama, I...I..." I reach up, absurdly expecting the manical copy to suddenly become my Rezo-sama.

Of course, that does not happen.

"Time to die," he tells me.

You're a little late
I'm already torn

Rezo-sama...where have you gone. . . ?

Torn



–end–

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